“No,” Bram said, almost too sternly. It was pitiful, his meager attempts at controlling himself. Everything he said came out fleeting and distressed. He guarded himself, leaving Theodore to do the hard work. There was no way Bram could continue like this, holding his heart out to Theodore just to snatch it back every time the man came close. “Listen to me.” It felt like an order, but, miserably, it was far from such.
“You must -” he cut himself off and tried again. “I want you to understand that I have never done this before, whatever you might define this as. There has nary been a moment in my life where I did not know exactly what my actions were and what my purpose in doing so was. Mister Groves, I don’t know what I am doing and, even coming here and saying these blasphemous things to you, I don’t know what I hope to gain from this, but, nevertheless, I will confess.” He turned from his place of retreat to the couch as a trio of men lingered in the hall just outside the door. From their conversation, there was little intention of leaving any time soon. Bram stood before the coat rack beside Theodore and kept his voice low, brown eyes staring anywhere but the man of his affections.
“You have been my downfall since the day we departed from each other. You haunted me. Your smile, your laugh, the outrageous things you spoke of, the …” Bram’s voice fell away and his heart thundered in his chest. His mouth was dry with protestation, but he forced himself onward; he would not let Theodore slip through his fingers. “The feeling of your body against mine.
“Though it pains me so, for I know we can never be more than what we are now, I feel I cannot deny myself the sweet, sinful knowledge that I love and am loved in return.” Bram sighed and pursed his lips.
His heart had never been bared, never been surrendered to the terrifying whims of Venus, for he had never before needed to bare it. “My conflict makes for poor company, but I would like you to stay, lest I forever wonder what could have become of this.”
Perhaps to any other man, Bram’s internal conflict and its devastating results would prove maddening. To be pushed away and grasped at in turns, to be told how deeply they mattered in the same breath as how naturally nothing could come of it, would surely have been a positively heartbreaking experience and possibly, not worth the pain of it.
Theodore, however, was not quite the average man. He did not despair or rejoice for the words he was offered but rather took them for the whole that they were – complicated and vulnerable in turns. He smiled reassuringly, wanting Bram to feel comfort in the wake of such powerful admissions that doubtless cost him a great deal to profess.
“Your conflict is honest – and honesty is always good company in my books,” Theodore assured, holding to his chest the warm knowledge that he was loved, even if it was a complicated sort of love. Knowing in his heart that he haunted Bram was a strange feeling – he wasn’t the sort of person who let himself be haunted – if he loved, and was loved, then surely that was all that mattered.
Bram was a different sort of man from the sorts Theodore usually fell for, and he supposed this strange dance was simply a part of loving a man who truly loved back. Or maybe it was simply the difference in loving a man who was good at heart. Such thoughts only endeared Bram to Theodore all the more, of course.
“I do believe it might look strange for us to have gotten up like this, only to return to our game,” He pointed out, gently aware of the cost of appearances for men like Bram. “Might I propose we go for a walk together, and perhaps clear our heads?” Theodore had no need – he was thinking just fine – but he had a feeling Bram could benefit from an environment that had less of a sensation of eyes upon him.
Ocean Archive 