pls give friendly advice — my upstairs neighbours are either doin the do or they recently purchased a particularly verbose parrot

Uhm….ew. While generally speaking I just utilize headphones in cases like this, sometimes if it gets too annoying I have been known to ah. Participate. 

Grab a broom, or stand on a chair with something that can make a good loud bang, and whollop your roof three or four times, then scold them. 

If you know their number, use caller block and call them. Either hang up and do this until they give up or, be real assertive and inform them that the whole neighborhood is not interested in listening to their sex tape, please turn it down. Bonus: If in an apartment you can also do this by simply going downstairs and buzzing them til they answer.

Shame is not exclusive to the 1700s.