DISCLAIMER:

This headcanon concerns the pressure Horatio places on himself on account of his mother’s death – and more specifically, the blame he believes falls on his shoulders for being born and taking her life in exchange for his own.

It delves a little more deeply into the persistent belief he holds that all care he receives is conditional upon his performance, his warped sense of responsibility for coffins that do not belong on his conscience, further significance upon his locked-jaw syndrome and most importantly: what motivates him forward.

For the sake of my followers I wish to be abundantly clear that what lays below the cut is a very blunt examination of trauma that – while shedding enlightenment on Horatio’s particular behaviours, particularly his recklessness and the way he thrives beneath positive reinforcement – has every potential to be triggering.

Thematically, this post will gloss over elements / allusions to sexual assault and will openly discuss suicidal ideology and self destructive tendencies. If these elements disturb you, please do not read on.

Understand that these are things no character should have any business knowing without abundant discussion with me first – and frankly, Horatio entrusting them with it. These themes will not be brought into threads without adamant discussion between muns and if I feel that Horatio would become reflective of these themes, that the direction of the thread may throw him into a dangerous position I may need to drop it. I will not place my mental health on the line for these explorations, but it is worthy to note they exist and may result in threads being declined as I cannot see a way to maintain them without delving into an aspect of Horatio I may not feel comfortable getting into with that particular character, or even for myself.

Threads addressing Horatio’s struggles will not be taken on lightly and some may only come about if we are shipping. Most of this information is already known to @seafaired and @tidehearted, but as I will not be concealing any of our interactions it seems wise to lay it all out for everyone. Threads addressing these concerns will be abundantly tagged and kept under read more at my personal preference.

MOTIVATION:

“Duty”:  

Although Horatio cites his duty as his primary motivation for action – any close examination of his actions reveals this to be frank bullshit. Were he half as duty bound as he claimed to be, he would not fly so fancy free with the Articles of War ( which he frequently flouts to the point of flagrant war crimes ) nor would he be so quick to snap at those well above himself such as members of peerage and even admiralty.

Guilt: 

This is a PTSD point, why in the hell is it under motivation, you ask? Because guilt is a powerful motivator, says I.

Shame: 

Horatio hates himself. And because Horatio hates himself, he cannot see why people would care about him, or why they would be loyal to him. He sees all care toward him as conditional because his own self loathing runs so deeply he believes that the moment anyone catches a glimpse of “who he really is” they will drop him like a stone.
While this has been a prevalent issue for him ever since his father first locked his jaw in regard to speaking out about being mistreated ( the men don’t cry / a gentleman never makes a scene thrashing he received as a child ) it grew steadily worse as Geoffrey reinforced, again and again, how everything that made Horatio human, everything that made him Horatio was in some way inherently flawed or wrong.

Worse still is the pressure he places upon himself to perform the impossible, to hold these roles and not just succeed, but excel, because to do anything less would be a black mark on all who have supported him. He would rather die than prove to be a black mark on the career of Edward Pellew; so he pushes himself to the brink, lest anyone ever guess that he doesn’t deserve even a quarter of what that man has done for him.

PTSD:

Aggressive Outbursts: 

Horatio bottles his emotions and clamps his jaw down on what he really feels so often and for so long that eventually, he cracks. What is more is certain behaviours and remarks can cause him to lose control all the quicker because they hit too close to home or strike upon vulnerabilities that exist within him that he simply cannot bear.

In threads, Horatio may reveal his temper to test others. To see what boundaries he can push before he is snapped at – and this is a destructive, self sabotaging habit. He uses this especially against men he feels are better than him – because their response to being tested, shows him how he should respond ( and while he may feel he can never respond as they do, the knowledge helps him form greater understanding. ) Other times, he may simply break – though in these instances, it will be discussed, as this will invariably lead to the bleeding of damages like the draining of poison.

Fight vs Flight: 

Horatio’s response to violence against him depends on three factors.

• Duty: Action in the line of duty does not register to Horatio as a threat against his person. He responds to it as an attack on the people around him and he will not tolerate it. His focus is on doing everything in his power to win the fight and preserve as many of his people as possible. It is routine, to him. He has an intimate relationship with blood and injury as a doctor’s son; to him, battle is a time of focused, pinpoint exhilaration and energy.

• Undeserved Assault: This is when Horatio cares about Horatio – which happens few and far between. This is when he is attacked and by no account, does he feel he has done anything to deserve this. His response is immediate, volatile retaliation and to do everything in his power to destroy his assailant. If this is not possible in the attack itself then he will connive a way to ruin them later.

  Prime Example: Jack Simpson.
  In my interpretation, Jack forced a kiss on Horatio – which may have turned into a far worse assault, had Horatio not interpreted this as unwarranted and promptly bit, and ripped at the man until blood exploded between them and Jack retaliated with a furious flurry of fists, the likes of which we see in That One Scene. Horatio’s only thought was he bleeds, therefore, he can die. Cue his attempt to duel the man, and his frustration when his own moral code would not let him kill the man when the chance did present itself.

• Warranted Assault: This is when Horatio believes he has done something to deserve being struck out against – and this is his default response more often than not as he is inherently self destructive and quick to undervalue his own worth. He is also very quick to find fault in himself, so it is easy for him to apply blame when perhaps there truly is none.

  When Horatio believes the punishment deserved he will not defend himself from the assault unless to not do so would place someone else at risk. He will take a punch, he will accept lashing without argument, without bitterness. If he feels he is in the wrong – even if he has a perfect defense – he will not take it, because he feels to do so is to make a scene of honest reprimand, and that he has been very well trained to never, ever do.
  
  Prime Example: Mutiny / Retribution.
  Horatio’s inability to keep silent in the face of injustice, in the face of unwarranted assault on an innocent, warrants him punishment from Sawyer; he accepts the punishment because he is duty bound to do so, but he is bitter, because while he recognizes it as deserved through the Articles, he feels he did the right thing. This is remarkable only because although he viewed Sawyer as a threat, he did not see him as the type of threat warranting the kind of violence Jack SImpson encouraged.

  That said, Horatio’s habitual silence in the face of punishment could have cost his life; which we all know he doesn’t really value. However, it could have also cost the lives of Buckland, Bush, and Kennedy; thus, he fought, and defended his decisions in order to defend theirs. Had he been the only one involved, he would have hung himself on his own locked jaw.

Self Destructive Tendencies: 

By this point it is perhaps abundantly obvious that Horatio self-sabotages himself – what we need to address though, is his recklessness because it is distinctly tied to both his sense of self worth and his determination to be Worthy. Horatio lacks a self preservation button – he will always value someone else before himself – but because he values the dead, who he feels deserve for him to be worth dying for, he doesn’t throw his life away needlessly.

Dying to save lives is a good thing! Dying so that others may live – was that not exactly the burden placed upon him by a good woman ( his mother ), by a man who did nothing wrong ( the butler ), by a good man ( Clayton ) by a good friend ( Kennedy ) And since Horatio believes his life to be meaningless but for the dead he owes, his death, therefore, places no burden upon anyone else. He dies, doing a good thing, and no one mourns. Life continues, the dead are appeased, and Horatio is at peace. This is his logic every time he does something phenomenally fucking insane, like board a flaming ship full of powder, heading for ships filled with yet more powder!

He was, indeed, never worth dying for; and now, he never will be.

Triggers: 

This is covered more in Final Notes, but it should be noted that outside of those specific circumstances, there are things that can set Horatio off the deep end pretty quickly.

• Men taking liberties with women who are not interested ( Such as Moncoutant with Mariette ) will absolutely cause him to strike out, and no he does not give a flying monkey’s asshole if you’re a midshipman, a major, the goddamn King of England himself – he will say something, and damn the consequence of it. 

• Hi, he hates the peerage and the idea of purchased commission. Friendly reminder that Horatio’s sense of duty is a goddamn act – he doesn’t give a shit if you were born in a horse’s stall or shitting silver spoons – he will treat you the way you treat your inferiors if you piss him off and damn the consequences of it.

  Having money doesn’t make you a leader.
  Having noble blood doesn’t make you a noble person.
  To quote some good emo shit, when the rich wage war it is the poor who die, and as much as he hates himself for seeing it, Horatio fucking well sees it and he bites his tongue against it as much as he can. He plays hard to the role of dutiful soldier, and in time he learns diplomacy, but harkening back to imposter syndrome, Horatio’s true thoughts could have him hung.

  Certain behaviours of those who are of the peerage, of those who have paid their way to the top without doing a fucking thing to earn the power they hold over literal thousands of lives, of those who think more of glory and command than of life and human decency, can spark him off in a badly dangerous manner.
  
  ( See; yelling at Foster; see, giving Moncoutant a goddamn dressing down at his own fucking table; see contradicting Pellew the day he met the man. Articles of War be damned, Horatio’s respect is earned, never blindly given. However, once his respect is earned, once his loyalty is won – Horatio may not have duty in truth, but he has a willingness to prove himself that could bring a regime to its knees if someone with his loyalty asked it of him. For all he feels himself worth so little, he can find the world in good men, and give everything for them. )

Warped Sense Of Reality: 

I think at this point it’s ?? Abundantly obvious but if you need more information on this feel free to hmu.

FINAL NOTE:

Horatio’s only real triggers are inherently couched in acts that do not take place outside of romantic engagements. As I will never write an active assault thread, the only chance of him experiencing an anxiety attack as a result of a kiss or anything more racy in nature is if it is planned with a shipping partner in order to open conversation about what occurred on the Justinian, and perhaps even what happened to him in prison, for the purpose of airing it and helping Horatio to overcome this piece of his past fully.

Such threads will be tagged liberally for obvious reasons. As both a survivor and once-upon-a-time counsellor, I don’t believe in hiding the recovery story, but I also refuse to glorify the abuse or shine a light on it that will damage someone else. I will be more than happy to ship with people who have no desire to see any sign of this aspect of Horatio; I have no problem claiming he had something positive prior to our ship that addressed and helped him recover – thus providing him the development he needs while sparing the need to actively deal with anything in a thread.

Alternatively, I am happy to have my shipping partner’s character be the one to assist Horatio in his recovery, without actually writing in a thread itself. I recognize the topic of recovery can be deeply mired and I am perfectly content to do what feels safe and comfortable for my partners. This is here, only to forewarn that with some partners these types of things may be covered more directly.