{ Tragic Honesty }
Name one of the traits you hate most about yourself, why do you hate it? = Charles from @harriedwritings
Charles actually answered this in an offsite roleplay, in two particular methods. What I am going to do is transcribe both of them over and then unpack them – this isn’t something he would answer honestly without being pressed into very specific corners, so this is going to be more along the lines of mun analysis than character response – but as the pieces involved are his exact words it will still have ‘the vibe’ I hope. So, without further ado:
Part One:
“I don’t need a saviour.” He would not live in that kind of debt to any man. Ever. “My submission and obedience was fucking tactical, no matter what it fucking cost me to give it. You don’t get to pity me for doing what was necessary for your gambit to play out, and you don’t get to judge me either. And you sure as fuck do not get to consider me weak because the weakness England bred into me served you until it was too much for your morals to take. I did what needed to be done – you took the shot, you made the choice and I offered you a means to keep playing your game if you’d wanted it. But don’t think you saved me or that you can punish me for pushing your hand when I was doing exactly what needed to be done!”
This one is actually pretty easy to unpack because Charles spells it all out in how he emphasizes matters and at what point. One thing Charles hates about himself is “the weakness bred into him by England” – in other words, the fear of being a slave, the terror of being back in chains and forced into a position of subjugation and subservience. This is covered more in part two – but in short, Charles hates that he is still afraid.
On top of this, Charles hates that this fear, and his ability to submit, to genuinely bow his head, can be perceived as weakness or something worth pity. Being looked down upon or seen as lesser on account of what he has survived is one of the biggest insults Charles can come up against, and it infuriates him that those with no experience being stripped of their autonomy and freedom think they can pass judgement on those who have when they make particular choices or show certain vulnerabilities.
The harder point to unpack is the fact that Charles himself is vulnerable to certain kinds of fear, and does need to be comforted and cared for like any other human being, but feels obligated to conceal that need in order to appear strong and better avoid being degraded in any way. He does want someone to rely on – he does want to feel safe and at times, when the trauma is at the surface, he does want to feel like he has someone who can and will protect him. He hates that there is a part of him that desperately, horribly needs to be able to rely on and trust others – because it’s actually terrifying to reveal being vulnerable even when your reputation doesn’t revolve around being the scariest fuck in town.
He wants to rely on people, but he is too aware of how that can be manipulated and abused. He hates that he fears being punished as much as he fears being seen as weak, and he combats it preemptively in order to better protect himself from pain.
Part Two:
“I hate that there’s a part of me that’s still afraid.” He let that hang a moment, then, “I hated every fucking minute that man was on this ship, and I hated telling myself that — that the fear and the submission, that the bowing was just — temporary. Because it’s not. That shit’s always going to be a part of me, and that’s why I can’t fucking stand it."
As previously mentioned – Charles deepest point of self loathing is the fact that he is still afraid – but also, with that, the awareness that it will always be a part of who he is, a point that motivates him, a vulnerability that can be exploited and soothed in turns – but never wholly eradicated from what makes Charles Vane, Charles Vane.
I was gonna say more but honestly lads that about sums it up!
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